There are things I'm certain happened that I couldn't prove to anyone. Not
big things. A shop that sold one specific thing in one specific arrangement, a
song that played once on a station I can't name, an afternoon whose exact
light I can still call up on demand. I hold them with total confidence and
zero evidence. For most of what happened before the middle of the nineties,
that isn't a failure of memory. It's the ordinary condition of it.
The reason is mechanical, not sentimental. If you wanted a photograph in 1987
you loaded a roll of film with room for 24 or 36 frames, paid for every one
whether it came out or not, and waited a week to find out. So you didn't waste
them. Most of the pictures people did take stayed in a
drawer,
seen by almost no one. Home video was worse, because a blank VHS cost money and
shelf space, so families taped this month's recording straight over last
month's, and the picture was rough enough that nobody mourned what got erased.
Television aired once and was gone. The shape of it is simple: making a durable
trace was expensive, and almost nobody thought a given Tuesday was worth the
cost.
The internet's own memory is shorter than it looks. The Wayback Machine feels
bottomless, like it reaches back forever. But the Internet Archive was only
founded in 1996,
and its crawlers capture exactly one
thing: the web that already
exists. They cannot reach back and photograph 1987, because in 1987 there was
almost nothing online to photograph. The archive starts where the web starts.
Everything earlier, which is most of two decades, sits on the far side of that
line. I've traced before how much of the human record sits outside any
index at all, and the
pre-web years are the sharpest version of the problem.
There's a well-worn worry called the
digital dark age, and it
usually means decay: floppy disks nobody can read, Zip drives long gone,
magnetic tape whose coating flakes off the plastic and takes the recording
with it. Vint Cerf, of all people, warned about it in 2015. That version is
real, and it's the one where the disk outlives the drive that read
it. But it assumes the file
exists and is rotting. The quieter loss is bigger. You can't lose a file you
never made, and most of the eighties was never a file to begin with.
What that leaves is a strange private country between memory and evidence. I
know things I can't corroborate, can't share properly, can't even check against
anyone else, because their version is exactly as unbacked as mine. Two people
who were both there will remember the layout of a room different ways, each of
them sure, with nothing to reach for. No photograph of it, no receipt, no floor
plan filed anywhere. The disagreement can't be won because it can't be settled,
and neither side's certainty thins out for the lack of proof.
This is a condition with an end date. Anyone who grew up after the turn of the
century has the opposite problem, a childhood uploaded and timestamped and
backed up in three places, every unremarkable day kept whether it earned
keeping or not. The unprovable memory is turning into something only certain
people will have known, a narrow window between a world too expensive to record
and one that records everything by reflex.
I go back and forth on whether that's a loss. Part of me wants the proof, the
photograph that would confirm the light really was that colour. But proof turns
a memory into a record, and a record is a flatter, more finished thing. The
memories I'm surest of are the ones with nothing behind them, rehearsed so many
times that they're more mine than any print would be, and wrong, almost
certainly, in ways I'll never catch.
Somewhere in the early nineties the record thickens and never thins again, a
life documented end to end. Before that line sits a whole world I can describe
in detail and can't produce a single frame of, and I trust it more than the
part that's written down.